


It Is What It Is

by JackiLeigh



Category: White Collar
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 17:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14597880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackiLeigh/pseuds/JackiLeigh
Summary: A moody look at Neal's and Peter's partnership.





	It Is What It Is

IT IS WHAT IT IS

 

AN: This is story is intended to be post series since I feel like this coming up season will be the last. Warning: It won’t be depressing, but it will be moody.

 

They all thought he was crazy. He considered the possibility that they were probably right, in a very real sense. However, being a little crazy would serve him greatly in the long run. It would be over. He would be finished. That is what he really wanted…to be done with it all. He wanted to be able to move on with his life, where ever it led.

Neal stepped outside the prison walls three years to the day he had been kidnapped. That had been the beginning of the end of his relationship with White Collar FBI Agent Peter Burke. Burke believed the conman had run, and then he left. He left the Big Apple and went to D.C. to be with his wife. When Neal was found, many months later, it was not by Peter. Much to Neal’s surprise, Peter had returned to New York. The Burkes had decided that the political climate of D.C. was not for them. They had enjoyed the lifestyle that they had had in New York much more. But, even while back in New York when Neal was finally rescued, Peter kept his distance. He was still with the White Collar Division, but he had distanced himself from anything involving Neal. Peter didn’t even go to see Neal when he was admitted to the hospital because of the injuries he had suffered at the hands of his captors.

Neal had not understood the attitude. He had expected Peter to be glad to see him. Glad he was alive. He had expected the agent to be glad to see that he was okay, but Peter never came to see him at any point during his recuperation. As a result, when the conman was released from the hospital, he had made a few important decisions.

June had tried to talk Neal out of going back. She had loved having him in her home and in her life. She would miss him terribly, but mostly, she feared the possible repercussions of the inmates whom Neal and Peter had put away. She was not, at all, sure that the prison guards would protect him.

Mozzie was also very upset with his friend. He had not wanted Neal to go back. The little bald man had wanted to run, and he had made a very convincing argument. He said that given Peter’s attitude, they could go anywhere and be perfectly safe; the agent had no interest in finding them. It saddened Neal, a little, to think that Mozzie might be right.

Neal’s sentence was relatively short. It had been reduced from four years to two years six months. That was because of his previous time served and his record of cases solved with the FBI. Neal was very grateful that the time would not be long, but he would have served it all, given the prize he received at the end. He would have his freedom. He would have his life, and he emerged from prison two years and six months later, anklet free and looking forward to his future.

Neal stopped in his tracks. He had started walking towards June’s limo, waiting at the curb when someone else walked up to greet him. “Why are you here?”

Peter was speechless for just a second. He had not expected the abruptness or the attitude. He opened his mouth to speak.

“I asked about you when I was in the hospital. But I guess you were too busy.” Neal replied. “And I guess you were still busy for two and a half years, since you never came to visit me. You must have had to really make some time to be here today.” He finished, sarcastically 

Peter opened his mouth to speak. “I just….I’m….” He hadn’t expected to be stumbling over his words.

“Just tell me what you want, Agent Burke, and we both can get on with our day.” The conman coolly stated.

“I made a mistake.”

“…just one?” Neal said as he started towards June’s limo.

“Neal,” The agent sighed. “…I made a lot where you’re concerned.”

The conman turned and looked at Peter.

“I said once a criminal, always a criminal and tried to make you fit that mold when you were trying to prove me wrong. I was so sure you had run when you were kidnapped. I made a big show of saying it while you were gone. I just…I told everybody that I was really, really tired of going after you. I wasn’t going to do it anymore.” 

Peter sighed and a little emotion came into his voice. “When I heard what actually happened to you, when I saw you…lying there, in the hospital bed. I couldn’t face you. I was dead wrong about what had happened to you. I felt like a fool. I was wrong. I was ashamed, and I couldn’t face you.”

“You allowed me to think that you hated me because of your pride?” Neal asked for clarification.

Neal watched Peter look at the ground for a moment before he met Neal’s gaze. He then nodded. “Then you decided to finish out your sentence in prison. I really saw the type of person you are. I saw what that freedom really meant to you. I saw what you would do to get it and keep it.” The agent paused. “It just made things worse for me. It made me feel…low. El and I were so wrong. I…I don’t know what else to say.”

Neal regarded Peter for a few moments before he spoke. “I spent months wondering what I did wrong. That was after I got over the hurt from the fact you weren’t glad to see me when I came back, and the hurt from the fact that you’d just turned your back on me and walked away.” 

The conman paused, his anger resurfacing. He had been waiting, literally, years to say what he was about to say. “What else was I supposed to do, Agent Burke?! Tell me that! What the hell was I supposed to do? You wanted nothing to do with me.” He stopped, breathing hard. “So I said. ‘Fine, I’ll do whatever I need to do to get on with my life.’ And I did. I’m free, free of the FBI, and free of you!”

Again, Neal saw Peter shake his head. He knew he deserved the former conman’s anger. He knew he deserved that and more. “I am sorry.”

“I’m sure you are. I’m sure you mean that…now.” Neal replied. “But I’ve gone years without an explanation. I, apparently, didn’t deserve that courtesy. You never came to see me in prison, not once.”

“I was ashamed….”

The ex-con shook his head. “It wasn’t about you, Peter. I was the one in jail. I was the one who did time. The only thing you did was move back to New York and resume your old life.” Neal paused. “That had to have been so very damn hard for you.” He spat back.

“I don’t know what you want, Neal. I want to apologize. But I feel like it’s too late for that. I just…I don’t know what to do.” Peter admitted.

“I hope you and El have a nice life.” Neal said as he got into June’s limo.

Neal watched as Peter as the car left the curb and pulled into traffic. Peter finally got into his car when he could no longer see the limo in traffic.

 

TBC

 

 

Chapter 2

 

AN: Thanks for your alerts and reviews. I am not sure how things will go here. I made it intense because I wanted Neal to express his anger. He had every right to be angry, I felt. I am not sure how much that will change. One reviewer said that they missed the friendship Neal and Peter had. I do too, and writing this ‘angry’ is helping me to deal with the frustration I have with Season 5 and with the depiction of the characters. They seemed very off and, to me, the change happened much too suddenly. I didn’t feel that it was a natural progression, which made me even more upset with the whole situation. Okay, I will climb off my soapbox now. And I hope that that explains things to those of you who were wondering why I wrote the story this way to begin with.

Also, a special thanks to ncismom for her continued support through the power of the beta. You’re awesome! 

 

“I take it things didn’t go too well.” El replied as she set the table for dinner.

Peter shook his head as he stripped off his jacket and put it over the back of his chair before he sat down. “He’s very angry.”

El didn’t say anything. She just continued to set the table.

“Okay, you were right, alright. I admit it. You were right.” Peter stated. He didn’t say anything else as he took a bite of food.

El stopped and stared at her husband.

“He told me that he hoped you and I had a nice life, El. I….” Peter didn’t know what else to say. “You didn’t visit him either.” Peter murmured under his breath.

“I went to the hospital every day. I talked to June and Mozzie. I even tried to talk to his doctors.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“You were in no condition to hear it.” El retorted.

Peter opened his mouth to speak.; that answer had come a little too fast for his liking. Had she been waiting, or perhaps wanting to tell him that for a while? He waited for her to continue.

“We were wrong, Peter. We were totally and completely wrong about Neal…about everything. We…I was very ashamed of how we had acted. I could only imagine what you were feeling, and…but I wanted Neal to know that we weren’t….”

“We’ve discussed this, Hon.” Peter interrupted.

El nodded. “Yes, we have…a few times. But here we are, discussing it again. Neal proved to us the type of man that he is by going back to prison. Years have passed, and we are still discussing it.”

Peter sighed. “I tried to apologize. I was going to apologize. But, like I told Neal, I didn’t think it would do any good. I didn’t think that was what he wanted, what he needed from me.”

“What does he need from you?” El asked a serious edge evident in her voice.

“…to leave him the hell alone,” was Peter’s flippant answer.

“I can’t do that.” El replied.

“It’s not up to us, El. It’s not about us. He told me that too.” Peter remembered. “We can’t use him to assuage our guilt.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.” El shot back.

Peter got up from the table and went to hug his wife. “He doesn’t need our guilt, Hon. And you know we’ve both been carrying a hell of a lot of it around.”

 

WC WC WC WC WC

 

“What was that about?” June inquired as Neal got into the limo.

Neal shook his head. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he spoke. “Burke’s Last Stand. Who knows? I don’t really care. He’s out of my life, and I’m out of his.”

“You’re sure?” Mozzie asked. He had not wanted to miss seeing his friend leaving prison for anything.

Neal looked at him for a moment.

“Darlin, you did stop and listen to what he had to say.” June explained.

“I figured he’d follow me if I didn’t. I thought he had to know I would be staying with you.” Neal replied.

June nodded. Peter had even checked with her to see that Neal had a place to come back to. However, she had not told Neal that part, yet.

“I let him say what he needed to. Maybe now he’ll leave me alone. I let him know how pissed off at him I was, and I told him that I hope he and El had a nice life.” Neal then looked at both June and Mozzie. “He got the point.”

“What’s next? What are you planning?” Mozzie asked. “What adventure…?”

Neal shook his head vehemently. “You’ve never been to prison, Mozzie. Trust me it’s just as horrible as you think, and then some. I don’t want to go back.” A section of the prison had had to be evacuated for a couple of weeks for immediate repairs to be made about 6 months after he went back. As a result White Collar criminals were housed on the same wings as hardened criminals. It was a pretty frightening time for all the White Collar guys to be housed with violent criminals. Neal wasn’t ready to talk about some of the things he witnessed during those two weeks. He didn’t know if he would ever be ready. “There is no mystery, Mozzie, no mystic. Its hardened criminals who feel they have no future and very little to lose.”

Mozzie still looked disappointed.

“I’m not going to give White Collar any reason to come after me.” Neal proclaimed. “I…my life will be a lot less…illegal from now on.”

 

TBC

 

 

 

Chapter 3

AN: Thanks, so much for all your reviews and alerts. I want you to know that they are much appreciated. I have gotten several comments from you guys that Neal's and Peter's relationship can't be reconciled here, not the way I wrote this story. I didn't think that, at first. But now I think that I agree. But, having said that, I'm not quite sure how I will end it or where it will go. So, this will, most likely, be a very interesting trip for us all.

Again, as always, thanks to ncismom for her superior beta skills.

 

Neal sat down in the living room with June and Mozzie for a few hours and celebrated his freedom. He was a free man, but even June’s house felt different.

“…want to say here?” June was asking.

Neal looked at her for a moment, trying to figure out the first part of her question.

June smiled. “I was asking are you sure you still want to stay here? You can live anywhere the U.S…anywhere in the world.”

Neal grinned. “I like it here. I have great friends and marvelous views.”

“You’re welcome to say here as long as you like.” June. “You know that.”

Neal nodded. “I do. I also know that I need money. I’m a few months behind on the rent.” He was referring to the years he had spent in prison.

“You don’t owe me back rent, Neal. There is no other person I would rent the place to. There’s no other person I would ever want living there.” June stated. 

“Speaking of money, Neal, I checked out that studio space for you.” Mozzie said. “It is It’s for rent. It’s huge. It’s got street access, and it’s got dressing rooms in the back.”

“I’ve lined up a few clients for you.” June interjected.

“A few of your well-to-do friends wanting portraits is not going to keep me in business.” Neal pointed out.

“No, but you could offer classes, and do showings.” 

Neal shrugged. “I’ve thought about all that. But, as soon as people find out I was a former forger, they are just going to want to know how I did it. I can see the whole thing turning into a criminal-how-to painting class. I don’t want that.”

He thought for a moment. He did like the idea of teaching. “I would make a good teacher though. I could have showings with the student’s work, and maybe throw some of my own in, of course.”

“Sounds like a plan, Sweetheart.” June chimed in.

“Yeah, it sounds good, Neal.” Mozzie agreed. “But are you sure…teaching classes, and having art shows. That’s going to be…enough for you?”

“I’m not going back to prison again, Mozzie.” Neal and his mood darkened for an instant, showing the two how loaded the statement was.

June spoke up. “You’re so talented, Neal. It won’t take you long to find something that’ll make you happy.”

 

WC WC WC WC WC

 

Neal forgot about the Armstead Gallery showing. He had forgotten that Elizabeth Burke would be in his shop, The Greatest Cake, making her annual order. He had wanted to duck out before she saw him, but it was too late.

Elizabeth had to smile. She had not seen Neal in a long while. El had not visited him in prison. She didn’t feel comfortable being there, and she figured Neal would not be comfortable with her going. El knew Peter would not like it, so she didn’t go. 

“Neal….” El began.

Neal put his hand up. “No, El. Don’t take up for him. Don’t try to explain, or make excuses for him. I just…I can’t.”

“There’s nothing that I can offer that can make up for how we treated you, Neal. There’s nothing,” El repeated. “But, I won’t give up on you.”

“Your husband gave up on me!” Neal snapped. “He said once a criminal, always a criminal, announced me guilty, and then tried to find evidence. That’s not how things are supposed to work, Mrs. Burke. I know the system very well, THAT is not how things work.”

“I know you’re angry, Neal. I get that. I really do,” the agent’s wife admitted. “But….”

“There is no ‘but’ here,” Neal seethed. “A ‘but’ would mean that you actually had a side here or an argument! You don’t!”

El didn’t want to get angry, but she could feel her ire rising. “Peter gave you a chance, Neal. He got you out of prison and on an anklet.”

“Yes. Yes, he did do that,” Neal conceded. “I never said I wasn’t grateful. You all, everybody knew what I was. I was a criminal. That was why your husband wanted to work with me. That was why my information was so valuable. I helped catch other criminals. The FBI wanted an insight into the criminal mind. But, I can’t get past the fact I was pushed into a very bad situation by someone who should have known better. She asked me to do something she knew I couldn’t refuse for somebody who had come to mean a great deal to me.”

The ex con then paused, trying to calm himself. “Then, when everything turned out ‘okay’, they got the hell out of dodge. They decided that that the one last bad thing I had done was the last straw, and they left. Or maybe they decided that this was the worst of all the bad things that I’ve done. I don’t know. But the fact remains they accused me. However, the agent’s wife seemed to have a memory lapse when it came to her asking for my help in the first place. And not the mention, the agent, her husband, seemed to have a little amnesia when it came to the falsifying of evidence. It was okay to use to get the agent out of prison. But, after that, it turned into a bad thing, a very bad thing.”

“I should never have asked that of you,” El admitted. “I was angry with you for James. You brought James into our lives…” She paused. “…and I know you didn’t….”

Neal began to speak, but then changed his mind. He knew that she was just making excuses. 

“You didn’t, Neal,” El admitted. But Peter was in prison, and you were right there for me to blame.” 

“That’s not good enough, Mrs. Burke. It’s just not damned good enough,” Neal growled. “I didn’t bring James around to cause you problems. I brought James around on the idea I could actually have my father in my life. I searched and I found him, and, if I’m not mistaken, your husband helped. So, technically, he brought the problem on himself!”

“Neal, I…this is not how I pictured this going. I just…I wanted to apologize for what Peter and I did because you deserved better from the both of us. I don’t really expect you to accept or believe anything I’m saying right now. But….”

“I’ve paid my debt to society, but you and Peter can’t let that be enough. Even the original victims of my crimes don’t hold grudges like an FBI agent and his wife. All those people I’ve wronged, they have gotten on with their lives.” Neal shook his head. “But you two have made it very clear of my place.”

“Neal!”

Neal backed away, putting up his hands. “Nothing’s changed. Like I told Peter, I hope the two of you have a nice life.”

 

TBC

 

 

Chapter 4

 

“…you sure you heard right, Mozz?” Neal said as he toured the art studio. “This is just…it’s amazing.”

“I know, Neal. I asked the guy, twice.” Mozzie said. “I thought maybe I had heard him wrong.”

“Well, I absolutely want it. How could I not, at that price?” Neal was getting excited, envisioning how his gallery would look, and what he would do with the space.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do with the space?” June asked.

“I think, right now, I want to have it to myself. I just want to paint, have a few clients in, that type thing. Maybe have my own showing….I can see it now, the Caffrey Collection.”

Mozzie grinned. “I like it. But I have to ask, 20 or 30 years from now, will the Caffrey Collection be enough?”

Neal considered the question for a moment. “I think so. But, I’ve never really considered painting a career. It was just a means to an end. I forged masterpieces to make money. I was always copying others. I never developed my own style. I never had to.” Neal sat down again. “But, I think that it would be nice to finally lay claim to one. Maybe develop a new painting technique, even.” Neal pictured his gallery in his mind. “I would like to walk into a gallery and see my words hanging everywhere.”

“I would like that for you, Neal. If that is what you want.” June stated.

“I think Dante Havisham needs a Caffrey original in one of his many abodes.” Mozzie told Neal, grinning.

“I’d make room for a Caffrey original.” June said.

Neal smiled. “Well, I guess I have a studio to rent.”

Neal was busy. He ended up painting, non-stop, for months. He wanted to capture Every picture he could think of in his mind. He painted pictures of the places he had been to while on the run from the FBI. Neal painted masterpieces, he clearly signed them. He painted the portraits for Diana and Jones. The ex-con wanted to show them how much he appreciated the fact that they had continued to believe in him. He was grateful for the visits while he had been in prison: He was very grateful for the pictures, letters, and phone calls that always seemed to come at the right time to give him a little pick-me-up.

Neal painted a picture of Theo for Diana. She had mailed a picture with nearly every letter she had sent him so he had several pictures. The ex-con just picked his favorite one. It had been a little harder with Jones. But luckily Neal was able to search the Internet. He found a picture of Jones, his brothers and sisters, and his parents. Neal turned it into a painting.

WC WC WC WC WC

 

“We don’t have to go, you know.” El said as she applied the last of her makeup.

Peter’s response was a mumble and some unintelligible words he spoke as he brushed his teeth. El waited for him to finish and walk back into their bedroom before she repeated her statement.

“We kind of do.” Peter replied as he pulled his sweater on over his head.

El nodded. Peter was right. They both missed Neal. He had been out of jail for almost a year sad he had had no contact with them. Peter had called and talked to June. But the calls had been brief, and June only supplied the barest of information. The Burkes had not been contracted in any way about the gallery showing. It was public so flyers had been put up. There was also to be a private pre-show that was by invitation only. Neal invited friends and even an art critic from the New York Post. The only reason Peter even knew about the private showing was that he had heard Jones and Diana talk about getting invitations. Peter, if he were honest with himself, felt a moment of jealously at being left out.

Peter had been keeping up with Neal covertly. He had been checking around, just a little to see what Neal was up to. Peter had discovered that Neal had rented studio space. He found that Neal had been using the space a great deal. Then when Peter saw the flyer for the grand opening of a new small art gallery and a public art show, he put the two together.

The evening of the event came. Neal was civil to the Burkes, but that was all. The evening passed pleasantly. Peter and El actually ended up buy a couple of paintings. Peter liked one Neal had done of a café in Paris. El liked one he had done of the ocean from his house in Cape Verde.

 

TBC

 

 

Chapter 5

 

A couple of days after the gallery showing, a letter came in the mail.

Peter and Elizabeth,

A whole year has almost come and gone since my release from prison. But my feelings have not changed. I cannot find it in me to forgive you. That may make me sound like a horrible person, and it if does, well, so be it.

I lost two people whom I loved dearly. I let them into my heart and into my life because it felt right. It felt like that was where they needed to be, where they should be. It just seemed natural. I literally trusted the husband with my life. So, it only seemed right that I should allow his wife in. There for a while, for years, things were great…wonderful…magnificent. I left myself open to people whom I never ever considered would hurt me. It was true, that first stab had not hurt. I was too…shocked, too numbed by the ‘love’ to feel it. The problem with the good feelings, though, is that they always wear off. The good times always end. That’s just life.

I lost my father, again, and I was not allowed to grieve that loss. I know you don’t understand that. As a kid, growing up I had certain expectations that I had carried throughout my life. I developed my picture of what my father was and was not from that. When I finally got to see him again…I just, I can’t explain it. My expectations were so high. I was so excited to have him back. And when he left me again, it was….. I crashed; it was as low as I have ever been.

But I didn’t get a chance to process the pain, the anger, and the hurt. I never got to deal with it the way it should have been dealt with. I had to be ‘on.’ I had the FBI dependent on me. I had an agent telling me that no matter what I did I would never change. He was essentially erasing all the good we had previously done, because of one incident. He was telling me that I was no good. He was saying that he was wrong to ever believe in someone like me.

I was devastated. I can’t tell you the extent of the hurt. I had been conned by the two most important men in my life. One for a piece of paper that proved his guilt, and the other for good solve rates. I was very angry that I had allowed myself to believe that I meant any more to them than what I could do for them.

I got the chance to deal with it all, finally. I needed time to think and to heal. Unfortunately, I had to go to prison to get it done. But the time away helped, it healed.

I cannot waste my life trying to impress people who will never be impressed by me. I cannot spend my life trying to change the minds of people who cannot or will not see me in any other way. I will not allow my life to be ruled by people, by things, that should have no place of importance in it.

You have made your thoughts and your feelings abundantly clear. I have heard you.

Please hear and respect me,  
Neal

 

THE END


End file.
